The Hidden Toll of Stress: Are You Sacrificing Your Life for Success?

Have you ever found yourself staring at a problem for half an hour, feeling a mix of concern and worry, only to walk away and forget about it just as quickly? Maybe it’s a deteriorating window in your house, a physical issue like getting winded after climbing a single flight of stairs, or something troubling you saw in someone else, like a child or close friend. It seems like our modern workforce and society, especially in the US, reflect this pattern. The driven nature of this culture and short expected provision windows definitely do not help. And let’s be honest, the stress and anxiety of the post-COVID world are still very much with us.

A recent 2023 Stress in America study by the American Psychological Association (APA) reveals some concerning and intriguing results:

- 81% of Americans say they are healthy or even healthier than before, yet 66% have been diagnosed with a chronic illness.

- 3 in 5 adults feel that people around them expect them to just get over the stress in their lives.

- 47% wish they had someone to help them manage their stress levels.

- 33% feel completely stressed out no matter what they do.

- Women report higher levels of stress than men, and only 22% of respondents think women’s rights are improving. (APA 2023)

If you missed my last blog, you can check it out HERE where I discussed the lack of effective advice on burnout and offered a simple first step towards the possibility of burnout awareness. I even linked to a burnout SURVEY to help you see where you stand with burnout.

A Bit About Me

Hi there! My name is Cache Barnes. I have a decade of experience in corporate leadership and then transitioned into the world of counseling and psychology, studying neuroscience as a fascination for another decade. Now, I’m combining these experiences and education to help people and companies eliminate burnout and dismantle imposter syndrome. My goal with these blogs is to offer insights from my studies and experiences, and to share empathy with all who visit.

The Problem with Stress and Burnout

I will layout the different areas that need to be understood to really tackle burnout and stress overload, a little bit here and in future blogs, so stay tuned. There is a defensive side and an offensive side. But first we have to know the map before making the journey and there is also a deeper awareness needed in several areas. The last blog and this blog is seeking to increase awareness on you and the stress around you. This next step to tackling stress is just a bit more awareness about your internal reality within a stress-filled world. But stress and burnout have become such overused terms that they’ve lost much of their impact. And, because they have lost their power, we often turn to maladaptive coping strategies—those that offer short-term relief but cause long-term harm. The mental aspect of these strategies is like feeling out of breath after climbing one flight of stairs but thinking, "I made it up, so I’m fine," So you keep climbing stairs, ignoring the looming possible heart attack. The emotional coping is like feeling overwhelmed by the idea of a heart attack, and eating a few donuts to make you feel better again, all the while further clogging the arteries. The donut feels good at the time, but enough of them will kill you.

The big question is: Have you become dangerously desensitized to the deadly unexplored stress levels you or your leaders operate under?

If so, your life is likely being diminished at such a slow pace that you won’t even notice it until it’s too late. Unexplored stress acts as a slow poison, affecting your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. And, it doesn’t just affect your work. It impacts your family, friends, hobbies, and even the quality of your later years. You can run your engine for quite a while with the check engine light on, but it doesn’t mean you are not harming the vehicle and shortening the life span and enjoyment of it.

Insights from others

A 2021 study by the NIH on German university students found that high pressure (stress) leads to longer work hours and presenteeism—working when you’re not productive. You might say, “See Cache we need to remove the stress.” And yes in some cases we do, but I would actually vote for strengthening the inner-being of the person. More hours doesn’t mean better results; they often mean more harm and in the end attrition. What is fascinating is that we will still put in the extra work hours, thinking the quantitative hours will help (Benz 2021). There are many reason for this and most of it is in the area of agency, but we are not diving into the philosophy of stress management just yet.

There’s also a new best-selling book, *Burnout Immunity* by Kandi Wiens. While I haven’t read the entire book, the parts I have read have been a breath of fresh air. Wiens discusses concepts like the “Window of Tolerance,” which I used often in my counseling days and comes from the therapeutic world. The idea is to stay within a manageable range of stress that doesn’t push you into hypo-arousal (checking out, numbing out) or hyper-arousal (anger, agitation, excessive anxiety). She calls it the “Sweet Spot of Stress.” (Wiens 2023) While her insights are helpful, remember that only 20% of lasting change comes from gaining insight, like reading. The rest requires hands-on work in your life and mental exercise and self-awareness. This is why I promote coaching and not provide book reviews.

My Own Burnout Story

I’ve faced burnout multiple times—twice in corporate leadership and five times while directing a non-profit counseling center. I was so blind to my own burnout that I even spoke at a “self-care” pre-conference just before burning out again. My last session with burnout led me to step down and create a succession plan for a new director. And, it took someone outside of my work to actually show me the toll it was taking on me.

Burnout creeps up on you or rather into you. You start your work with ideals and passion but end up feeling trapped. Burnout dims your joy, affects your relationships, and makes life feel like a grind in most areas. For me, it led to emotional numbness, less creativity, and a cynical outlook on life. It affected how I viewed sunsets, my daughters, and my own worth.

And this burnout and stress related to leadership was not just a problem I struggled with. I once met a man who was panhandling in a tattered business suit. After getting to know him, he shared his story with me. He was previously a wealthy businessman at the peak of his career, making millions. One day, he walked out on his business and family and never returned. Begging for money on the streets felt more freeing than the work that drained his happiness. He had used stress to fuel his success, and it was working in the area of success, but it was also taking his life away, one joy at a time.

Steps Forward

I learned the hard way and for me finding a solution to burnout involved looking back and understanding past mistakes. It's not a path I'd recommend, however. Despite the repeated burnouts, I found myself stuck in a cycle, much like being lost in a maze and encountering the same dead-end repeatedly. Books, talks, conversations with friends and colleagues, and even time off couldn't guide me out. The time off was always the answer though. It would provide a brief space of breathing, but it usually took me 3 vacation days to see my anxiety subside and my constant checking my phone to slow. Then when I went back to work there was usually more work piling up, and guess what mode clicked on as soon as I arrived. Yup, burnout mode.

I discovered my solution through deeper self-awareness, understanding my internal operating system, and recognizing the impact of living in a high-stress world. It involved intercepting the internal voices driving me and strengthening my right prefrontal cortex (PFC-R). This process took months and remains an ongoing daily effort, and it’s transformed and is transforming my life. And, it took someone from the outside of my job to help provide needed awareness to start the transformation.

A ancient Greek General,Thucydides wisely said, “The secret to happiness is freedom... and the secret to freedom is courage.” Ultimately, we all seek happiness, and recognizing burnout as a barrier to happiness is a crucial step. By reading this, you’re already on your journey toward happiness, I hope. Congratulations on taking this step—every bit of awareness counts. Celebrate any progress, no matter how small. It actually does help from a neuroscience perspective.

Courage is now your key to moving forward from here though. And, I know we have been talking about the problem of stress. But, let me divulge a little secret. Stress actually is not the main culprit. It’s how we operate, handle, and process stress. Stress will be there until your last breath. And the reason we are talking so much about awareness, is because we have grown unaware of stress in our lives. Awareness of where you are at has to be a first step. How do you plan to make your way to happiness if you don’t see yourself currently on the map surrounded by the forest of stress? Here’s a helpful awareness formula I use

Attention leads to Awareness, which generates Energy, opening up Choices to clarify Progress. Without action, this energy can turn into anxiety or maladaptive coping.

With each blog as I create Awareness, I try to give some steps you can do to use the energy created during your reading, so that you can actually open up choices. So the awareness piece here is that you have alot of stress in your life and you likely don’t see the qualitative weight of it all. And, I know I said stress isn’t the culprit, but it is the an ingredient you have to become more aware of in your life, so you can move from being a victim under it, towards empowerment through it.

Activate

You can create a list of all the things you care about or areas of stress in your life to help you have a visual of what you are carrying. I have found this simple step actually helps people see in front of them what is going on within them. It’s a mirror of sorts. Get detailed if you do this. Here is a question to follow. What is the heaviest stress related item on that list? What is it taking out of you? What is out of your control in regards to that? What do you want to have more importance? These are just to prime the pump. Some may be more helpful than others. The answer to any of the questions may be, “I don’t know.” That is okay. It tells us there is more to explore and understand. And, if you felt any anxiety in doing this exercise, that’s perfectly normal and human. It means you care. So good job on being a caring human. However also take care of yourself and if the anxiety is too much, this is a sign that you definitely need help.

This is where a Coach would be helpful, because every person and every person’s situation is so vastly different. And each person brings a different subset of skills, awareness, strengths and growth edges with them. There unfortunately is no magic bullet like more vacation time. I hope this blog helps, as it’s meant to serve you. You can contact me at my website if you have any questions at all www.cachebarnes.com, as I love to serve people however I can.

You don’t have to experience the same losses I did and still recovering from. And the good news is that you can reclaim your life from this stressful world that seeks to take it over. I am living proof that it is possible to find a place of grounded life, where rebuilding and joy can re-enter. Remember, you are worth more than what you provide or give in service. Invest in yourself. You are worth it and you won’t regret it. And, likely those around you will also feel the positive impact of that investment as well.

Citations

American Psychological Association. (2023). Stress in America 2023: A nation recovering from collective trauma. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2023/collective-trauma-recovery[1]

Benz, A., Winkler, J., Freund, T., Knoll, N., & Reins, J. A. (2021). Antecedents and moderation effects of maladaptive coping behaviors among German university students. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 637149. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.637149

Wiens, K. (2023). Burnout immunity: How emotional intelligence can help you build resilience and heal your relationship with work. Harper Collins Publishers.